Student writing#1 Raphael

One the Planet Sony Cows ruled the world. The only way that a cow would find out if they were the new king was if the were able to fly. One day Bill was walking home from work. He had just worked for 30 hours strait milking other cows. On the Planet of Sony the cows used there milk as energy, so Bill had a very important job. Bill was very tried and wanted to go to sleep. He closed his eyes and then opened them 10 seconds later and he was in bed. He didn’t know how he got there. The Next day Bill found out that he was able to fly, but Bill didn’t want to be the king of Sony. Bill tried not to use his powers but they had a mind of there own. 2 weeks later Bill was walking to work when he saw the king in a parade. He tried to act normal but then he started flying. Everyone saw him. The Next day Bill had to leave his family and become king. Bill was so angry that he was king so committed suicide and died. Sony did not have a king for the next 3 years.

2 thoughts on “Student writing#1 Raphael

  1. Haha good one Raph. You only had one mistake in the 4th line, you wrote had instead of has. It is very important to write in the correct tense so people can understand what you a writing. I didn’t find any other problems which was very good. If Bill was king, then why did they make him leave his family? Could teh cows talk? These are some questions I have about the story that you didn’t explain very well, but it was overall a very good an especially funny story.

  2. You need to fix your spelling mistakes. But this is a good story because it keeps evolving.

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